Thanks for the notes! I can say that for a fact that I have a reason for the emotionless teenagers, which will become seriously important later on, although the main attraction doesn't start for around eight more chapters, and once you get there, you'll realize that this isn't even really their story. Also, this is a mystery, so there's always going to be a cliffhanger. I'm not kidding: every chapter has a cliffhanger, even the ones at the end of each volume. It's not even intentional, it just happened to fall like that.

A chapterly cliffhanger is quite hard to pull off, but I think you can manage it, from what I've read of the first chapter. Like Romano, I do like things with more description, but we'll see how it goes since you did say it was important for plot. Though I should say that your readers won't know that, and the first chapter will usually impact who reads on afterwards.

I'll reading at least one chapter a day till I'm caught up, so here we go.

Chapter 1-2:

The murder mystery intrigues me, but as far as writing goes, there is room for improvement.

First of all, the writing so far seems incredibly black and white and with very little subtlety. Since the story is written in first person, so these are the thoughts of the main character, it makes him feel awfully elitist and judgemental.

Secondly, here is something to consider: When you speak, only ten percent of the meaning the audience extracts from it is the actual words. 30 percent of the meaning comes from the tone of voice and 60 percenty from your body language. In those two chapters you tell me what they said, but not how they said it, or how they acted as they said it, thus the story communicates much less than it could.

Chapter 3-4:

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! So much no.

Not a single character in the story feels like an actual person. The exposition is hamfisted and in some cases makes no sense. You should never jump between a first person narrative and a third person narrative, unless it is explained later how Danny knows what Katie thought and did. I'll try reading one more day, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get into this story. The fact that you've made me hate the main character is a bad jumping off point. The story basically seem to run by the logic of:

Does well at school = Good person (even when committing a murder against an innocent person).

I mean, really. What other reason have you given me to like Danny and Nataly? As of right now I neither find them likeable nor interesting, so why would I be interested to see what happens to them?

Chapter 5:

At first the way Satan is contacting them and challenging them was intriguing, but then it seems poorly handled. If the devil was really attempting to challenge them, then saying "here is a hint" is the most boring way to do so. I was hoping Satan would be playing a role like the Riddler in the Batman franchise, not like a bad game designer, constantly afraid that their players will be too stupid to figure anything out.

"Maybe the three of them could join forces and do something, once this was all over."

This is a bad line because it is the devil thinking it and it is out of character. "Joining forces" suggests that they are almost his equals. What he would be thinking is maybe he could exploit them in some way.

The last long paragraph in this chapter was actually really good. His feelings are a bit inconsistent with the person that managed to kill someone earlier, but your description was really well written and interesting.

How old are you, btw?

I just realized I've gotten used to assuming people posting on this board are in their early to mid-twenties. My comments might be unfairly harsh if you are younger than that.