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Mira Laime
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• 2/28/2014

139: In Evening - waZelda's thoughts

Chapter 0:

Nice to get the over-arcing plot established early on. At first I rolled my eyes at the video recording, as it is a pretty common trope, but I realise that it is probably what one would do in that situation, so fair enough.

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• 3/5/2014

Chapter 5:

You can edit chapters, right? So it would be useful if I pointed out typos like when at one point you wrote "raod"? If so:

"She didn't sound shock"


"Didn't really had the time"


"Another thing than"


Wait, why does she just leave without waiting for a reply? I don't follow.

• 3/6/2014

Chapter 6:

I guess there is no question that Tim has SIn.

Also, I think I should inform you this chapter is dancing on the edge of WNW's sexual content rules. I don't think it breaks those rules, but it's close.

• 3/7/2014

Chater 7:

"Tim waved the accusation away dramatically."

Doing anything dramatically will not draw attention away. Are you sure you don't mean dismissively?

I like the part about quotes and find it pretty ironic that this is the first chapter not to start with one.

• 3/8/2014

Chapter 8:

"The rate of increase has been at an incline"

Who would phrase it like that? "rate of increase" is technical, like what a mathematician would say, while "at an incline" is figurative, like what a journalist would. I'd say it is accelerating, which is shorter and still gets the meaning across.

I like the focus on self-awareness in this chapter, resulting in the scene with his dad. Still, I'm a bit mad at him for not responding there at the end. I mean, he took the initiative that led them to that tender moment in the first place.

• 3/9/2014

Chapter 9:

I'm really liking the quotes. They are pretty interesting on their own, but they also build some suspense, making me wonder how they relate to the chapter I'm about to read.

• 3/10/2014

Chapter 10:

I'm a sucker for distorted reality, so I'm really liking this story so far. I'm also happy that you've referanced five or so songs so far and they are all songs I'm familiar with.

• 3/11/2014

Chapter 11:

I would not refer to anyone as "the girl" unless A) It is a character whose name is unknown at that point or B) Her gender is relevant to the situation somehow. I mean when you refer to Tim as "the junior" and Joseph as "the senior" later it is to highlight that Tim won a fight he should have lost due to age difference. I feel like it is an unpersonal way to refer to someone, and in this case of Stella inviting Tim over a simple "she" would work better.

Great action scene here. Still, running away doesn't seem like the best option in the long run.

• 3/12/2014

Chapter 12:

'Banish the thought,' I said," he waved his hands wildly...

The end of the dialogue clearly means the end of a sentence here, so there should be a full stop.

"If I remembered everyone I pissed off at school, I'd be a savant."

Great line.

Anyway, I've caught up so I'm moving on to another series for now and I'll be back when you have a bunch more chapters written. I hope you will have noticed and responded to this thread by then.

• 3/14/2014

Holy crap! I did not even know there was this thread going on here! I really need to look back in more :O

I would love to read some of the works of others here on the board, but until I finished my conscription period, I have to put alot of things on hold and focus on my own stories. I'll definitely make it up to you for all these wonderful feedback. I feel so bad now for not reading and giving more time on the board.

Edit: And you guys have a lot more chapters than I do too. I wonder if I should get a smartphone for the weekends so I can read on the go. But currently, my army camp doesn't allow smartphones. I'll have to weigh the cost on this one. Definitely getting one once I get out though.

• 3/14/2014

Okay, okay, okay. I will reply to each and every single one of these because you took the time out to write them, I should at least reciprocate. There's quite a bit of suggestive spoilers (indirect spoilers, mini spoilers, call them what you will), but nothing that gives everything away. But do read at own risk.

Chapter 0

I planned to start it with such a common trope as a little nudge to the common hatred to the old stories that ends with "...and it was just a dream.", seeing as my entire story is 'just a dream'.

Chapter 1

Thanks for the compliment. Really means alot. I was physically bullied to quite a large extent as a kid but was never as hard-ass as Clay to stand up to them. Consider him my  realistic anti-bully fantasy :P (realistic because he still gets overpowered)

Chapter 2

I noted and agree with everything you've point out and I've went back to edit the chapter. I can get overboard with the description sometimes so that's something I have to work on.

This entire chapter, I wrote it to foreshadow the entire In Evening story and had really enjoyed planning the whole thing out. Some of what you said is correct, and some not. I'll leave it too you to find out which :D

Chapter 3

I loved writing Clay's action scene for this chapter and the next to balance out Tim's bad-assery in Chapter One. Clay was more fun to write, since he's not as physically strong or as well equipped as Tim (with the air rifle, not whatever else it was you're thinking), and I had to get him to show his MacGyver side. And yeah, Tim and Stella's dialogues are really fun to write as well. I always thought that stories should mimic life. Sure, there's loads of dark times, but what's the point of facing imminent death and mutal destruction without making fun of Lucifer's underpants?

Chapter 4

Since Stella is adopted and Tim does not know if their parents had Sin, he just did not make the connection to ask.

Chapter 5

I missed all those! Since Chapter 5 was when the edit function came out, I went apeshit editing everything before that and forgot everything after :P Edited!

Chapter 6

Really, really close, I admit. But totally, totally worth it :D

And I swear, I wasn't having a sex-fantasy moment when writing that. That scene was there since the very first draft over five years ago and is totally part of her character. (I swear! ... Maybe)

Chapter 7

I've had my Doctor Who phase here. Totally meant it dramatically (you read that right), and I'm not going to change it! *pouts childishly*

Hey! There was a quote in the chapter too! Okay, it's not at the very top, but it's a very important quote! Hah. 

Chapter 8

I edited the incline thing as you've suggested and it really does sound nicer and now that I look back on it, mine sounded really weird and robotic.

As for the father-son scene, all I can say is "Awk...ward...". ఠ_ఠ

Chapter 9

The quotes have a role in the 139 universe as well!

Chapter 10

I had the idea to referenced the songs a few months before I started writing and ended including them as a recurring theme in the story. They also get a very important role in my new upcoming serial, '139 Days to the End of the World'.

Chapter 11

Noted. It always bugged me when writing when I run out of ways to describe a character and just kept reusing 'he', 'she', or their names so I sometimes make an effort to change it to weird results like this one.

Chapter 12

Again noted. Thanks for reading all the way and providing all these wonderful feedbacks. It really made my day, let me tell you. I'll make it up to you somehow!

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